Third Wheel Blues

We've all been there...Let's examine shall we?

A couple nights ago I was out with some friends seeing a few bands play at a bar in downtown Harrisonburg called The Blue Nile. We had just gotten our drinks and were forced into one of those weird social situations where we were sitting directly across a coffee table from these three underagers that we didn't know. I knew they were underage because of the large black X's placed upon their hands, making the current situation even funnier. As we sat there taunting them with our alcoholic beverages and living up our young adult evening, I couldn't help notice what was happening across the coffee table.

There was the guy we shall now call "Jack" and a brunette girl we will now call "Jill" all huddled together, kissing, holding hands, and playing cute little couple games on the couch. Next to them sat a blond girl we will call "Sally". For a second I thought, "Does Sally know these people beside her? They certainly aren't paying attention to her?" Then Jill asked Sally to grab something out of her purse. OMG! These girls are friends. "Bless little Sally's Lonely Heart..."

We have all been there at least once and if you haven't, consider yourself lucky. Or maybe you have been one of the people torturing your single friends over the years? Anyway, I thought to myself..."Did Sally know what she was getting into tonight? Did she KNOW she was going to be Jack and Jill's third wheel?" Most third wheel situations I have been forced into came on at random, i.e. you think you are going to have a nice evening with one of your best gal pals and she forgets to mention that she is bringing her boyfriend along. What can you do? Of course you love your friend and don't want to hurt her feelings because you are happy for her and her relationship but COME ON...a little warning would be nice.

I continued to watch these kids out of the corner of my eye thinking that maybe things would turn around for poor Sally. Sadly, I was wrong. Her friend continued to completely ignore her. Sally continued to sit next to Jack and Jill on the couch while they groped each other in public. I almost bought the poor sister a drink out of pity. She should AT LEAST get to drink while this is happening to her. Sally sat there looking uncomfortable and terribly mopey.

Here is my advice for these situations. Couples: chill the F*** out. I have a few good friends who are couples that I have no problem going out with because they don't make anything awkward. If you have a third wheel tagging along with you for the evening that YOU invited to come, show some respect for their feelings and save it for the end of the night. Single People: If you find yourself in one of these dreadful situations, don't feel you have to sit there and take it. Go to the bar and find someone, ANYONE to talk to. I guarantee they will understand AND you might just make a new friend. Or you can avoid these situations all together and bring someone along with you if you have enough warning. Either way don't let it ruin your night like poor Sally. You are already out looking fresh so you might as well TRY and have some fun. Stand strong.

Let's all just try and make third wheel situations as bearable as possible. Agreed? Don't be a Sally.

"Bless Your Heart...": Defined.

I called this blog Bless Your Heart... for a lot of reasons. The saying draws its roots from the vernacular of strong southern women. Bless Your Heart... can be used to express genuine sympathy for someone, i.e. "My dog was recently hit by a car." Response: "Bless your heart..." This use of the phrase expresses sadness for the event that has occurred but also lends a kind of silver lining to a grim situation. It provides a sweet and sugary icing on one hell of a day.

Bless Your Heart... can also be one of the biggest F*** You’s you will ever receive. We’ve all heard to be weary of this phrase for this particular reason. If you are unsure of what I am talking about let’s use the example mapped out previously, "My dog was recently hit by a car." Response: "Bless its heart..." Seems nice enough, right? Well, what you don't know is the person handing out this 'blessing' probably didn't like your dog very much; otherwise they would have referenced you and 'your' heart. "Bless its heart..." in reference to the dog would finish something like this, "Bless its heart...that dog was one of the dumbest animals I have ever seen on the face of this earth and thank God someone finally put it out of it's misery." If you were listening with an experienced ear, you would pick up on this right away.

These subtle differences in delivery make a whole word of difference. I am afraid to go into too much detail with the use of this phrase for fear of outing the secrets of myself and the ladies who rely on it to keep them out of trouble. You can decode this phrase by simply listening to the silence that follows the delivery to see what kind of subtext is left trickling through the air. Learning to decode “Bless Your Heart…” is challenging because the phrase poses as such a nice, sweet expression of remorse. My advice: don’t be fooled but don’t be stupid. The ladies using this phrase are not afraid of you so don’t call a sister out unless you can do it using the same sugar coated, back handed genius of “Bless Your Heart…”

The master of “Bless Your Heart…” is my Grandmother, Arleta. She is really the true inspiration for the title of this Blog. This woman is the one that indirectly taught me all the tricks of using this magical phrase...our very own "Hakuna Matata."

My grandmother is a strong southern lady. One of my favorite stories about her is the time she started a bar fight, hit a guy, then had HIM thrown out of the bar. You better believe she was using her “Bless Your Heart…” skills that night! This is the same woman who taught me how to flirt with boys and bought me my first bra. This entry is dedicated to her, the woman who taught me everything I need to know about getting by in this world with a little bit of sugar and a whole lot of sass. I’m sure I will write about Miss Arleta Maye later on in my musings on cyber space.

For now, try and use “Bless Your Heart…” in a conversation today. Put it on and walk around in it. See how it makes you feel. I bet you’ll enjoy it and if you don’t, well bless your heart…at least you tried.

xo



Here she is, the woman who taught me everything. Notice the heels...

I'm definitely not cool enough for this...

OK. So I started a blog. Most people who know me well are currently reading this and asking "What is she gonna write about?" Good Question. I have no friggin' clue. Who cares really, half of you probably won't read it on a regular basis anyway. I am not nearly as funny or clever as my other friends who have these things but I enjoy reading them so much that I thought, hey...why the heck not?!

I do have some interesting things happening in my life currently that could potentially give me something to write about.

1. I just graduated from James Madison University with a B.A. in Musical Theatre. Postgraduate life is always entertaining...right? Guess I will find out....
2. I am moving to NYC in September with two of my best friends to pursue my career as an actor. This worked for Joey and the cast of Friends and that lasted 10 seasons. Joey even got his own mildly successful spin off. I have high hopes.
3. I am currently working at both the Outback Steakhouse and the Regal Cinema to save for this move to NYC. These jobs provide me with a large amount of personal enjoyment both for their AMAZING discounts and my daily interactions with the great people of Harrisonburg, VA. Need I say more?
4. I am also currently attempting to lose weight via Weight Watchers online. I am 14 lbs lighter so far and am excited to share this with you all! Who doesn't love a good weight loss story? This is America.
5. I thought it would be fun to put to use the writing skills I gained while scribing all those papers in college. I don't wanna lose my edge.

Well there you have it...my very first Blog entry. I hope it didn't suck too bad...I tried really hard to sound clever everyone. Cut me some slack, it was my first one. I promise they will get better...if they don't we can just go out for drinks and I will give you the run down. I'm probably funnier in person anyway.


Have a great day everyone!

xo